im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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