I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You have to summon your inner elephant
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
