I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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