well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
