I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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