You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
