If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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