That reminds me...we need to get swords
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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