I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
