is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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