I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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