the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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