I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
