im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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