dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
