You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
