oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Umm I'm too high to move.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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