after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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