We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
