If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
