I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
