im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
