new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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