Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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