glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize