if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
