I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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