He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
