Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
so much tequila, so little girl.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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