my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
