I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
