My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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