i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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