I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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