I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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