everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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