Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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