I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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