some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
