I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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