Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
