turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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