I will die if light touches me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
