You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
