He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Enjoy the penises
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
