Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
