Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
