Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
