I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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