Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
The maid of honor just puked.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
