The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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