I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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