I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
my poor anus
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize