I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
