my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
