My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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