dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
