Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
