her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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