He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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