the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
